the life i've chosen

i've been living my life with the wrong standards and with the wrong goal.

this was my goal: to live in such a way that i could enjoy the life God gave me.
i would be hard-working and diligent, and then i would enjoy time worshiping and having alone time with god. but this goal is no good.

i feel pain and stress all the time. in my head i knew that this was just the step that comes before enjoying god. but it began to take it's toll on me.

there used to be 3 things i made sure happened:
1. work gets done
2. i have my time with God
3. i go after my friends and make sure they know i love them

but what happened is that i stopped making room for the third one. i got my work done. i had time with god. but i had no relationships.

so lately, that's how i've been living.
so i feel the pain and the stress and i think that there should be a better way. that i shouldn't have to feel these things in order to just enjoy life.

but the lord showed me why it felt wrong: my pain didn't have the right purpose.

he reminded me how i used to live: all for him - ready to sacrifice my time, my energy, my life for  his glory and for my friends. those were the times that my pain had proper purpose.

so now, i keep feeling the pain and the stress. but it's for the right reason. what is sacrifice if there's no pain involved? how can i say i love my lord if i don't love the ones he loves? how can i say that i love my friend if i don't sacrifice for him?

this is the life i've chosen. to give up myself - my blood, sweat, and tears - & live life as a slave to the ones i love.