while i was at chop i was able to pray for real.
i also wrote this VERY quickly..
why would i think it would be better for me? somehow i thought that the warnings you give to the church in the bible wont apply to me. for some reason i really believed that. im weak and you humbled me to see this. thank you.
you say the fancy prayer will tickle the ears of those who hear it why did i think i was immune to that?
i have fallen into this trap. i speak eloquent prayers. it happened to me without even noticing it. it kind of became part of my vocabulary - to pray with the phrases and stuff. and i was able to pray very real for some things like that. but for other things - like my struggles - i couldn't pray FOR REAL. it would just be awkward.
i can pray for revival and salvations and for church things and for other people PERFECTLY real with that vocabulary. but not my struggles. and that is a big part of who i am. if i can't give you my whole heart in prayer, what use is it?
so you're teaching me how to start over. i deleted all my fancy phrases and vocabulary. now i just express my heart to you. today i was able to express my desires and my feelings and my frustrations to you in front of other people. it was a breakthrough.
just like worship at hannah and jeanette's room was a breakthrough - i was able to worship you as if they weren't there. although i was much quieter than normal.. haha. but i still felt that freedom. thank you for the breakthrough.
when i pray w/ my heart, things feel different. it's more real. it doesn't sound as nice, and it doesn't tickle my ear. but i know it pleases you much more. so i must ask myself, do i want my ear tickled, or do i want you to be pleased?
AND, i was writing all of that down in some pamphlet i found in the chop, i caught myself thinking about how others would think i'm so spiritual for needing to write something down so fast so that i wouldn't forget it. what kind of crap is that. I WANNA BE REAL!
chris august - wanna be real just came to my mind. i read through the lyrics. finally it matches what i feel.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SQDXr2dVe5s
