immersion & responsiveness

I met Channa in Cambodia and she is so radically different that I am forced to change.

She lives practically. She understands need and she wants to do something about it. She's a non-christian in High School, but the Lord has used her to change me.

I realize that I have now received a bit of what I hoped to from 'living with the impoverished'.

I wanted to live with the poor so that I could learn to be grateful. and now i have gratefulness for the opportunity that I'm in - born and raised in America with education and freedom. It's taking effect in my life and I'm chasing after PA school.

And now Channa is having another impact on me:
She lived so differently that I had to change. I had to adapt to what she was doing because what I was doing no longer felt adequate.

I used to lead a life like this. I was "on fire for God". Immersed in the word, immersed in worship, immersed in Him.

I was influential only because I was responsive to what He was doing inside of me. He showed me thirst and led me to water -- I drank it. He showed me hunger and led me to bread -- I ate it. He showed me need and gave me the skills to meet it, so I did.

But now I have to live up to the reality that I've lost zeal.

One moment from Sylvan training is speaking to me now:

"if you say you don't lack motivation to study but you're not studying, then the reality is that you lack motivation to study."

and the same is true with my 'christian life'.

there is no action. so somewhere there is a lack of motivation. it's hard to admit this because it means Jesus is not my everything. it's also hard to admit because I don't know what those other idols are. i've been in them too long without noticing their little fists gripping my limbs.

the good thing is that I believe change can happen in an instant: crap today, glory tmrw. keep up the good work, and the new, good habits will surely form.

i have a lifestyle to change. wish me luck.

my goal: immersion & responsiveness.

Let's Keep It Simple

the flowers of the field do not toil or labor, yet they are better dressed than Solomon

Before I left for India, I received a rejection email from a missions school that I truly believed God had been leading me to go to for years. This threw me into a confusion - I had no idea what to do with my life. This was the one thing that I was confident God was leading me to, and I was wrong about it. It disoriented me so much that I became unsure about any other choice that I had made about my future. I was unraveled, and desperate for God to mold me again.

I had no time to deal with this in India, and I didn't. I didn't feel a burden in any way - it was the grace of God. It wasn't until I got to Cambodia that I began to search for answers. My first few days, I was alone and frustrated with my fear. I stopped trying to talk to people and I isolated myself. I began to pray and ask God how I could end up in this situation. The next week, I began teaching english.

I continued to pray hours a day while I was teaching. I heard nothing, so I started making plans. I could either send myself as a missionary, one person. Or, I could use my opportunity as an American with a college degree to earn a lot of money and support multiple missionaries to Cambodia. The latter sounds the most beneficial to the kingdom (without anything else being considered) so I became concerned that I would need to change my plans.

Really, there’s no way to know what’s better. God blesses what He blesses. If He blesses me as a missionary, I could bring more benefit than a whole team of missionaries. This is the power of God, and I understand this, which is why it was so difficult for me to make a decision.

Once I came back to the US, I started looking up jobs and their salaries and their demand and I came upon ‘Physician Assistant’. I remembered one inspiring statement from a child in Cambodia. She said, ‘I want to be a doctor for the poor because the people here die just because they can’t afford the medicine.’

At once, I was cut to the heart and I understood the practical need of the people that I consider my ‘neighbors’.

After talking with a close friend a few days ago, I realized that I had spent my whole life making sure I never made the WRONG decision, but I had also spent my whole life never moving forward.
I had always been prepared for every opportunity, saying, “God, as soon as you tell me where to go, I will be ready to go.”

I am now certain that God has told me countless times ‘Come here’ or ‘go there’ or ‘invest here’, and I was too focused on not messing up to hear His call.

My philosophy has changed. Now, I respond to what I believe to be the call. I see people in need of medical aide, so I’m going to use the opportunities I have to meet that need. And if it turns out I’m doing the wrong thing, I trust God will let me know.

It's only when I made things complex that I moved into inaction. So let's keep it simple.

It's not through the world's wisdom that it has come to know God. Christ said, "It's not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick." He came for the ones in need of Him. The needy and poor in spirit that He reached out to were not impacted by the great wisdom of Christ, but by the great LOVE of Christ.

Some demand signs, some demand intellect and argument, but we preach Christ crucified. We say that His death is worth change in my life: my sacrifice for His gain.
I may lose face. Everyone that I've told I would be a missionary will see me as someone who has backed down from the call of God. I don't care. I'm only concerned with obeying God and continuing to preach Christ crucified with my lifestyle. Christ saw a need and He responded. I will do my best to do the same. I now believe life decisions were meant to be that simple, so let's keep it simple.

I think God would be more pleased with me TRYING to do what I think is right than me not doing anything. Like I said in the last email, I don’t want to bury my mina in the ground - I want to take what I’ve been given and multiply it.